Poem.. okay critics.. go easy on me.. its not my best?

i walk into my room and see a strange girl sitting at my desk


i turn to call for my mom


but then i see her eyes are swollen from countless tears that have fallen


the show the pain of the daily torture she bears


fear shines from those vaguely familiar eyes


she looks up slghtly


i still cant place her face


its so familiar


but so far away


the sadness radiates from her like bad karma


she sobs for herself


the tears her peers never see fall


my heart weeps for this odd girl


i walk over to her and place my hand onto her shoulder


i try to offer her comfort and companionship


my delicate fingers touch the cold reflective glass of my mirror sitting on my desk


i blink and run my hand down the cold mirror


confused and startled


i lower myself into my leather computer chair


i look into the mirror and see my own puffy red eyes


the fear in them


i see this foreign girl inside myself

Poem.. okay critics.. go easy on me.. its not my best?
Not the place here on Yahoo for this endless teen poetry. Poetry lifts the soul and expands the mind. It's all about imagery. Your contemporaries will like it of course, because they are teens who know nothing of real poetry and good writing. This is the usual garbage that stinks up Yahoo. When you put your work out there you must be ready for the consequences. This is terrible! It has no flow, no imagery, no meaning, and no particular purpose (and NO punctuation.). It's just a bunch of simplistic words strung together by some bored poster. You asked.
Reply:Well, I am glad you appreciate an honest critique. Most don't and become very offended. And of course, this is not to say your writing cannot improve, as it certainly can if you want it to. Report It

Reply:Fair play. I'm glad you were able to pick this honest and realistic answer. There is hope for you yet! Report It

Reply:i liked it
Reply:It is good, but if I were you I would not write my poems on here. I am a writer and my work is so valuable to me. If someone ever stole it or I lost it, I think I would cry for months. You should be more carefull.





Have a good night!
Reply:Sorry, it's not good. But keep working on it.





In all honesty I think that creative writing is often easier than poetry and you might like to try that. Good poetry is really hard to find.





Good luck.
Reply:I read worse.... But you are brave to post something like that ...BRAVO....actually I thought it was a piece of art...
Reply:The main switch where you start give off the idea of you being in the chair is little foggy buti liek it ! ^.^ sounds liek some one needs to havea nighti nshining armor to brign her a tissuse.. .and special dark chocalate :)





~Quin.
Reply:very good
Reply:I would try to make it a bit more punchy by playing on the juxtapositions. Also, consider punctuation, it makes pieces much stronger. All in all, pretty good stuff in here. My suggestion is this...





I walk into my room


and she's sitting there.


Unknown, but so familiar.


I try to call out but am drawn to her eyes--


swollen from countless tears fallen.


One for each day of torture.


Hundreds for each fear.


I see it shining in her eyes,


the fear.


It's all so familiar, but far away.


The sadness allows her to sob


for herself


by herself.


She weeps,


I weep for her.


This odd girl,


so far away, so unknown,


but so familiar.


My fingers extend, I reach out to her...


and touch only the cold mirror on my desk.


Confusion,


and fear.


I see it now in my eyes.


I see her now in me.





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