Could I have some feedback on a poem I wrote?

Though surrounded by people,


My voice goes unheard,


'Cept to a harsh retaliation,


And a very stern word.


Though they say that they care,


And want only what is best,


Why can't they see,


That I just need some rest.


They wonder why I hide,


Why I keep it all deep inside.


They wonder why I want my space,


Or to see a familiar face.


They wonder why I am always away,


Every chance I get, of every day.


They wonder why I do not tell them,


Why I say that they don't understand,


They wonder why I a friend,


To lead me by the hand.





But for all that they wonder,


The answer is right before their eyes;


Calling out in a voice as loud as thunder-


I need to get away,


For if not it will soon mean my demise.





So under the cover of darkness I slip away,


Down a lonely path I go astray.


Will it be this way forever?


What will become of me,


For now I must wait and see.


Will it be this way forever?


With my friends by my side,


And dreams that I can not hide.


Will it be this way forever?


Will it be this way forever?

Could I have some feedback on a poem I wrote?
nice job..good way to get your feelings out..sounds like your going through a tough time.
Reply:WOW that was absoulutely amazing very impressive!!


Keep Writting!!!!
Reply:Its nice, but it had some problems with the rhythm. I really didn't feel the message either. The beginning lines were very good. Keep working on your poem and you will get better.
Reply:Thirteen is a very hard age. It is the beginning of changing from a child into an adult. The change will take time, and everyone must go through it. It is as hard for the parents as it is for the child; the difference is that the parents have already gone through it. A lot of people forget that they were in the same 'spot' once, because their love says 'protect'.





No it will not go on forever, but it may seem so if you can't find a way to 'outlet' the things you feel. Contrary to popular thought, parents (for the most part) really do love their children and want only the best for them. It can be so frustrating to be at the root of all that love.





You really do have a life time ahead of you and it is up to you whether you grow in good ways or bad. You might should talk to your parents, or to the one that you feel closest to, and explain that you don't understand the emotions that you are feeling and feel that you need to talk to someone (counceling). Even though parents don't like admitting that they can't solve all of their childs problems, most will listen when spoken to calmly and clearly. If this doesn't work right away, give it a little time and try again.





Please, don't feel that your friends have the answers; they may be well-meaning but they are just as young as you and are going through the same things. They don't have the experience needed to help another.





As to your poem:


It does need work, but not a whole lot. E-mail me if you would like me to critique it. There is a great deal of passion with in its lines. You just need to learn the art of word placement and rhythm.





Sorry it there are misspelled words, spell check isn't working at the moment.
Reply:omggghh that is such a beautiful poem it's really good... it reminds me of my own life
Reply:I like it . It's very cool. But if I am to take it literally it sounds like you may be suffering from some depression. You may want to talk to some one about that.
Reply:You sound low. We all go through stuff like this. Somebody once told me "If its that bad, then it can only get better. If it isn't then what are you so low about". Wise words.





This shall pass too.





The poem is sweet. Don't try so hard to rhyme. Some of the best poems don't. In an attempt to find words that rhyme, one looses a lot of the spontaneity and emotion.





Good Luck.
Reply:I'm sorry but its not very good. You've got different pose of poetry, its all one the one subject and you've got no reflection or depth.


You should read some Edgar Allan Poe, his poetry is amazing and The Conquer Worm poem I think you'd enjoy emensely.